


Melt Your Headaches; Call It Home

by Justalostflutterby



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: BoyxBoy, M/M, Ryden, Rydon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-12 14:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justalostflutterby/pseuds/Justalostflutterby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>RYDEN~ Will Brendon be able to melt Ryan's headaches? Ryan Ross. Brendon Urie. A few years have passed, but does that mean that friendships can't be reclaimed? An accident, broken hearts and an awful love-story that could tear both of them apart forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Things Come To Be Loved And Lost

I held your hand through all of these years...You just didn't hesitate to look over your shoulder.

Chapter 1. All Things Come To Be Loved And Lost

Brendon:

Everything still felt disconnected. I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Two years ago everything changed, after Ryan Ross left in a hurry from my house, tears flooding down his face I had a feeling that I would never see him again and that was certainly true.

I haven't seen him since that day and I probably never would.

It broke my heart, tore it in two because I had no idea where he was now, whether he still thought about me or even if he ever gave a damn. He probably never even thought anything of me when he used to be in the band, no one ever felt that way towards me. Ever. Maybe Spencer...

...I had promised Spencer that I was fine and that everything would be fine soon but the truth was that I didn't want it to be fine, not without Ryan. He used to mean everything to me. The only reason why I would ever get out of bed would be to see him, the only reason why I would go out on stage was to play with him, the only reason why I was breathing, was to see him breathe...

I had spent the last two years completely focusing on the band and trying to get over this crazy obsession that I had obtained but it just didn't feel like anything was going to work. Ryan was stuck in my memory and always would be. The only way that I would be able to get him out of my mind would be to see him again. If only I could hear his voice...Touch his skin...Kiss those lips...

I had never really questioned my sexuality until I met Ryan, I was completely 100% straight, until Ryan told me that he wasn't. That was when everything changed, I couldn't control it, no one can. I put my head in my hands and Spencer came over and placed a reassuring hand on my back, "Brendon..." He muttered and when I didn't respond me placed a beer in my hands. I smiled at him a little and went to lay in the middle of the floor, staring up at the ceiling.

We were at Spencer's house, and when I saw we, I mean me, Spencer, Dallon and a few of Dallon's friends, oh and Sarah. Don't even get me started on her. She's beautiful. Perfect. Everything that my parent's have ever wanted, she's everything I've ever wanted. Her delicate angel touch, her soft lips like the most expensive silk...Just everything about her made everything turn crooked.

Not literally, but it made me feel sick inside and everything seemed much more complicated; almost as if a hurricane had suddenly washed over and destroyed everything in it's path. The direction that it was taking was my fucking life. I was doomed, damned to hell for my thoughts, for my actions. That was my inspiration for Hurricane, you see...

That's what my head is. A fucking hurricane.

And when you're in a hurricane, there's no way that you're going to get out of it in one piece. A tornado only occurs when she's kissing me with no clothes on; that's when I go full speed into the blow. That's when I completely regret everything in my life. That's when she questions me...That's when the fights start. That's when the tears roll and the objects are thrown...That's when I just want Ryan back in my life...That's when I'm left alone again in my own self-pity of nothingness.

I lay there on the carpet and listened to their conversations, not wanting to be a part of them, just wanting to lay and listen. Count down the seconds until I could see Ryan again, which is never. What's the point? I sipped my beer, trying not to spill it over myself and I took out my phone, searching through my phone. I didn't even have his number anymore, he deleted it before he left, Spencer deleted it soon after when I was crying too much over him, apparently it was "for the best" - well screw that idea.

Completely fuck it over. Scribble it over with a permanent marker right now. I wish I could do that with Ryan though. But at least twice a day I get tweets from fans asking me about him, thousands of questions a month...I want to reply to them, I want to let them know that I still care for him. He barely goes on Twitter anymore, only goes on there to talk about his cats.

I check his twitter everyday without fail.

Taking out my phone once again, I went onto his twitter and my heart skipped about five thousand beats, he'd posted. A link. To...Soundcloud? I ran upstairs and grabbed my headphones from mine and Sarah's spare room that we were staying in for the weekend and shoved my headphones over my head, turning it up full.

The music started and I thought my heart was about to blow out of my chest, completely explode everywhere in the room, at least everyone would know how much I was hurting then. I sunk down to the floor in front of the door, listening to it.

"I know I should have never left..." I swallowed hard and coughed to get rid of the tears and lump in my throat, I couldn't cry. Not over this. The tears were useless - they wouldn't bring him back here with me would they? If only they could. If only they could lift him up from wherever he is and carry him to me right. "I got tired of being buried..." I wiped a tear. That stupid tear. Why did you fall? What's wrong with you!? I sniffed and shoved my headphones off, not being able to listen to it anymore. I checked his profile again and saw that he wasn't following me anymore. My heart sunk even more and I buried my face in my hands and curled up into a ball, why should I care so much? Why should I care that he practically wrote a song about me? About panic! About old panic? About everything we used to have...

A knock came at the door, asking what was wrong. I opened it and Spencer shut the door instantly, falling onto his knees in front of me and hugging me as tight as he possibly could which was pretty tight, I mean, he was a drummer. "God Brendon, what's wrong? You haven't cried in months," he commented comfortingly, pulling away and wiping a few more tears.

I pointed to my phone and he took it, raising an eyebrow at the tweet and clicking on it, listening to the first verse and chorus, and sighing, subsequently, turning it off.

"Brendon..." he whispered and hugged me again, "you've got to stop thinking about him." 

I shook my head, "no, Spencer, I can't, I can't ever." I wiped my eyes completely and sighed, looking down. "I'm pathetic, aren't I?"

Spencer shook his head, "no don't say that, Urie. You've gotta cheer up, okay? I know you find it hard but you can't stay like this for a minute longer..." Spencer sighed, going into his "friend-psychiatrist-buddy" mood. I sighed and he shook his head, again, "don't sigh at me, okay? There's a perfectly nice woman downstairs who loves you with everything she has..." I groaned and got up to my feet, grabbing my phone and returning downstairs. Being greeted by Sarah who wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek with glee. I smiled at her unhappily and she let it be, kissing my nose and dragged me over to sit next to Dallon who ruffled my newly cut hair. I honestly didn't know why I got it cut like this, the sides shaved - why not?

* * * 

By the end of the evening, everyone was too drunk to even get up the stairs, I had to push Spencer up and everyone else just stayed downstairs. Everyone but Sarah. I opened the door to our 'room' and swallowed hard, backing away against the shut door behind me, instantly feeling like this was a cage and I was trapped, fuck.

Damn. Paranoia. Shit, go away. '"She loves you..."

I made my way over to the bed, shutting the light off on the way and climbing on top of her, kissing her softly, she kissed me much more passionately than what I was interested in. God..."praying for love in a lapdance...." From the wrong freaking person...Ryan...Why can't this be you? I want you here...'Pretend it's Ryan...' NO. Don't do that. That'll be worse.

Sarah looked at me troubledly and kissed my cheek, "w-what's w-wrong?" She stuttered, the alcohol taking a minor effect. I sighed and shook my head, cupping her face and kissing her softly, making my way down her neck.

And through the entire night I couldn't stop thinking of Ryan.

George Freaking Ryan Ross.

\--- Yeah, all the facts I use in this story will most likely noooot be true, like that "Where I belong" - Ryan Ross is about Panic! It may or may not be...But y'know...And yeah, I love Sarah, she's amazing and everything so I'm not insulting her I pwomise c: -xo


	2. You're Worse Than Nicotine

2\. You're Worse Than Nicotine  
Brendon:

Why does everything in my life recently have to revolve around Ryan Ross? As soon as I awoke at eleven AM, I thought of him. Who thinks of their ex-band mate when they wake? I rolled over and smiled a little at Sarah's tiny frame, her small smile that was carved perfectly into her face, everything about her was perfectly in proportion and ideal for me. But Ryan...

Ryan was everything that was bad for me, everything that I could never have - a challenge. How many times had my parents told me when I was younger to shoot for challenges? Pretty much throughout my whole childhood.

Panic! was a challenge. And they congratulated me on it at first but then when they found out that everything was going right for me and that it was actually turning out to be successful and a reliable source of money; they thought otherwise and wanted me to go into a much more suitable profession. I imagined quickly what they would think of me now, if they knew what was going on in my head they'd probably kill me, burn me at the stake or whatever their beliefs tell them.

Some of the shit that I think when I've just woken up, hm?

Sarah mumbled something inaudible and I sighed and got up, taking out my phone whilst pulling on a pair of jeans, I walked downstairs, dialling Spencer's number as I did so. Maybe he wanted to hang out or something.

It kept ringing and when I got no response I sighed, continuing my walk outside. I tiptoed over Dallon who was sleeping and noticed that Spencer's phone was on the side, ugh, asshole. I looked around for him and found him asleep on the sofa, I shook my head, chuckling slightly. What even happened to them all last night? It looked like a freaking zombie apocolypse went down or something.

The damage would be less if there were zombies, their dancing was much louder, much messier and much more dramatic. 

Too much drama, too much pain, so much time and not enough to gain...

I pulled a shirt that I found on the floor over my head, sighing. I made my way out of the messy house and down the street, looking to the ground as I made my way through the busy city. Everything about Chicago was just too damn busy. "I got tired of being buried..." Why was this going through my head? Why was it appearing on every lampost? Every sign? Every God damn building.

It was like the Northern Downpour video, only it was Ryan's pure lyrics everywhere rather than selfish ones that we wrote together. Our little song that meant so much to me, probably not much to him, but everything to me.

It was our entire relationship in one song, the meanings were hidden, as were the lyrics behind "Behind the sea" and "She had the world," everything about Pretty Odd. Was us. Yeah, maybe it was because of the drugs, but that's a whole other story that I'd rather not think about this early in the morning.

Opening the door to the Starbucks, I ordered a coffee and sat down at my usual space, taking out my phone and scrolling through my contacts; a daily occurance. I was surprised that the cashier didn't give me a hideous look, I probably looked and smelt awful, at least it expressed how I felt.

At least it gave me some kind of...Appearance. I used to be someone I wasn't. At least now I'm someone that I know is truly me, someone of character and someone who does reckless things. Someone who sucks off their bassist if he asks. Dallon God damn Weekes. Dallon freaking...Dallon fucking Weekes. He's so seductive, it's horrific. Sarah was meant to keep me busy, keep me entertained until the day Ryan is gone from my memory. But Dallon complicates it, it makes me sick. I sipped my coffee silently, rubbing my eyes. 

My head snapped up at the sudden noise of the coffee shop door opening, no one else ever came in the shop this early, it was only me who did it. I blinked a few times, not believing it. I refused. It can't happen. No. I...It's not him. It's not him. It's not HIM. IT IS HIM. It...Is. George. Ryan. Ross. The. Third.

No, I refuse to let it slip into my head. I jumped up from my seat and dashed out the shop, panting due to my heart racing fifty miles an hour. His appearance was one thing, but the way that he observed every crack of the room made me feel sick to my core. He was wearing a leather jacket with tight black jeans, a white shirt and he was clutching a phone in his hand. Thank the Lord he was looking down when I ran out. I honestly don't think I could ever forgive myself if I saw him.

It was going to happen sooner or later, right? Of course I was going to run into him, it's not like this is his home too, is it? I sighed and fell back against the brick wall, if he was ordering to take away then he'd be out any second and would be sure to see me. Then why aren't I moving? Why can't I push away from the bricks? Why can't I leave the thought of Ryan Ross a few metres away out of my pathetic use of a brain. Ryan Ross is breaking me, Ryan Ross will be my downfall, Ryan Ross is the cause of my crisis.

\- I finally got around to updating! Wahoo! c:


	3. Time For A Sign

"Stop waiting, start taking control, your life's on the line. Stop looking, I'm right here it's not a sign of the times, it's time for a sign...I'm here for you, here for you and you forever, you and you and you forever...You're not alone, know that I'm here, know that I won't take you for granted..." - William Beckett - Time For A Sign

Brendon:

Everything was going wrong. I watched his shadow moved closer and all I could think about was how beautiful he was. All I could think about was what I would say. What I could say. He was right there for God sake, he could talk to me at any second.

I held my breath when his shadow was inches from mine, he pushed the door my way and walked out, walking straight past me and over to the sidewalk, about to cross the road. He pressed a button and waited for the lights to turn red before crossing. Do I follow him? 

The lights changed to an orange colour, almost like the sunset. Ironic how iit was going to be leading me to a new start, rather than an end.

In an instant I went at a full sprint after him with everything I had, running past the first car. However the second car was the stop sign in mine and Ryan's relationship. The second car wasn't so willing so to speak. The driver stepped his foot down on the pedal and his car went flying forward; as did I.

My body went over the bonnet and then as he moved forwards and broke after a few metres, I hit the floor with a loud cry of pain. My clothing from my left side was ripped from scraping along the road and my hip immediately started to ache, a stinging pain arising; that would be the blood. Was I dizzy? 

I found myself staring at the sky and everything was blurry, like I was looking at a mirror that was steamy, like I'd had a bath and burnt myself alive. Someone ran over and they cupped my face, their hair was a dark brown, black and was slicked back in some sort of quiff. Unresponsive.

No, this, this couldn't be him. The man I was after, was it? That man that I had been after for years and years, countless times had I cried over him. Countless times had I wanted to have him in my arms, countless times had I wanted him to tell me his problems, tell me everything just so I could spend time with him. 

But yes, it was absolutely true; he was here. He was with me. He was...He was pressing down on my side, why was he doing that? Why would he care? I could feel a sharp pain shoot through me like wildfire and I cried out, wanting him to stop, was he doing this to torture me? Of fucking course he was. Why else would he want to help? He didn't care, no one cared anymore. They only cared about me when I was with Ryan...Ryan, wait that was his name. Ryan...Speak to me. Wait, I would have thought that he would have wanted to teach me a lesson for all of the times that I could have rang him and helped him to recover from his breakdown he had back in '13. Fuck.

"Brendon?" He squeaked, tugging on my shoulder a little, moments later, he was holding my hand. Jesus, Ryan, I wasn't dying. Wait...It hit me like a steamtruck that he'd wrote that song about me. 'I know I should have never left...' I stared up at him and his warm brown eyes looked me up and down before he took out his phone and called 911 I assumed, well who else would he be calling? His cat? Actually, he would do if he was able to, I was certain of that much anyway.

"R-Ryan, s-stop." I muttered and tried to sit up which he shook his head at and pushed me back down, making me whimper in pain, but he didn't care. He just spoke rapidly into the phone, continuing to put pressure on my side. Ryan hung up the phone when he finished the conversation about my er...Incident. The driver climbed back into the car and drove off, Ryan whiped out his phone again and snapped a photo of the numberplate, sighing. Was this all a sign? Ryan here...Was this a new turning in my life?

"Fuck that asshole." 

Was all I could remember him say before everything went black and turned so unbelievably unreal it made my head hurt. My heart hurt too much to concentrate right, my eyelides were achy, my side stung like a bitch and everything just seemed so heavy, like it was about to make me drown, make me drown in this sorrow that Ryan Ross has caused yet again. All of the positivity that I was feeling was dead and buried, just like Ryan was tired of being buried.

xo


End file.
